mama on my mind

My mother is constantly in my thoughts. I am still grieving hard for her. It's been 2-1/2 months since she passed away and it's still so very surreal to me. I can't believe she's gone and I miss her so much. I miss talking to her and hearing her laughter. She was always the first person I ran to when I was hurting or upset. She always knew the right thing to say. I never feared that she would stop loving me. She was my mother first but she was also my best friend. I know I will never experience that kind of love again and my heart is broken. People tell me it gets easier, but in some ways, I hope it doesn't. Am I being masochistic? I don't know. I just fear that when the pain dulls so will the memories. I don't want to forget anything about her. I am so thankful for her presence in my life. I see a lot of her in me and I find myself striving to be more like her. I often do things and think she'd like this or she'd approve of this.

On Friday, the monument went up at her gravesite. It was tougher than I thought going out there. The monument brings home the cold, hard truth - that she is gone and isn't ever coming back. That reality is like a punch in the stomach. I am trying to hold to the belief that we will be reunited in heaven. I really want to believe it, but that kind of blind faith is something I struggle with. But one thing i know for sure is that I believe in a God that allows us to question, who often encourages us to question Him, so that we will seek the Truth.

With all of that said, we chose an angel to be engraved above her name and information on the monument, because she was an angel in many ways to those who knew her. So on Friday, I went to visit with her and brought her some pretty fall flowers. I "dressed" it up and I think she would have like the flowers I chose.